Ex-Devotees and Recognition of Adi Da

Joining or leaving an esoteric spiritual practice like Adidam is a very different kind of thing than, say, switching from Coke to Pepsi, or even ceasing to be a (nominal) Catholic. The difference is this: engaging an esoteric spiritual practice for real actually requires something extraordinary from the practitioner — a whole lot more than just going to church once a week. It's something like joining the Marines, and making it through boot camp! Only it is, in a certain sense, harder, because it isn't a matter of self-effort but self-transcendence. So if someone leaves such a practice, the reason is not necessarily a fault with the practice. The practice can be genuine, but the practitioner couldn't come up to engaging it for real, and consequently never really reaped the fruits of the practice. They may have ceased being actively participating practitioners in Adidam for any number of reasons:

• They left out of frustration (or even just boredom) with not having Realized what they had hoped to Realize when they started (quickly enough). Sometimes this is because they probably had not been ready to become devotees in the first place (not having had the necessary Revelation of Adi Da as the Divine), as these ex-devotees write:
  
  

  For years in the community and after leaving, now years later, I see I "willed" my way to "practice" with a recognition of and attraction to the Dharma, but not to the Spiritual Master, Adi Da. I usually felt awkward and unfeeling in the devotional aspects of our life together, suffering an emotional distance. Eventually I recognized it wasn't enough, and left. I have wondered why this is so and suffered much stress over the disparity. I value my time in the community and in the Company of Adi Da as the greatest gift in my life for my human and spiritual growth and continue to listen, read, etc.

  
  

  I wandered up and down the ladders of experience. I saw the gates of light swing wide open. I sat with Adi Da Samraj and was carried to the edge of madness or freedom. I could not tell which it was. I was torn. I was not worthy. I could not surrender at the deepest place. My corruption and delusion were total and profound. He called me, whispered to me, wander in my dreams. He articulated what I saw but could not speak. He forgave me. He let me go back into the lost worlds. He reminded me with laughter. He showed himself when I did not expect it. He let me love him as life, as a seashore, as a bird on a twig. He let me love him imperfectly, as the people near me, as the world with all its sorrow. I could not answer his calling. I fell short. He criticized me but then kissed me. He was generous at a distance. He knew my weakness. I am far from that island but I see it shining in the middle of the black sea. I knew he had come. I tried to be with him. I was made dizzy with my failing. He loved me anyway. He shone everywhere. Beautiful Adi Da, you are the world and what is prior to it. You are what remains when the world vanishes. You are the mystery that is this new day. You are what beats our hearts. We are not as wise as you. We struggle to surrender and try to understand. Yet, as you have said, “If it is the truth, it is always already the case”. I am so sad that I was never able to come around again. I am so blessed to have sat with you in the past. I will not forget you. I will creep on slowly, imperfect and dim, but seeing you everywhere. I feel your presence now. I weep. I feel your presence now. I rejoice. All that you said is true. I will serve you the best I can. I thank you for your wondrous, joyful, mad, brilliant, ecstatic, wild, stoic, austere, indulgent, sublime, beautiful life and love. May we all be free. May we all transcend the mortal news. There is only God! None of us are worthy. Still, there is only God!

  
  

  [Upon learning of Adi Da's Passing on November 27, 2008:] I’m not sure how to feel right now other than grateful for all the love and insight I have received from Samraj Adi Da. My experience with Him has been a blessing, and the great gifts that have emerged as a result of my involvement with Him will never die. I think of His children now, and send them my love. Thanks to all of you who served Him personally. I have not chosen to live that way of life, but His message will always be alive in me, shining with recognition. I still wonder what my relationship to Adi Da was all about, and I seem to have developed an inability to embrace religion, but I still love Adi Da Samraj. I cannot comprehend what that is all about, and I will not attach any meaning to it. I’ll leave that to others who are more involved with the yoga of the mind, but no matter who He was, is, or will be, does not change the fact that the love I feel remains. One cannot help who they love. I’ve just learned to bring intelligence to it, and act with as much integrity as I can. No one can comprehend what this being represents. He is beyond the ordinary constructs of our minds. Whatever you say about “Him” can be asserted or denied. That the beauty and frustration of his teaching. You either understand, or you don’t. No praise, no blame. "God" not only exists in all of us, but prior to us, and in the midst of all things, and beings. "God" is a term to describe what is unknown, and what is unknown is beautiful, and terrifying all at once. The only constant is embracing the present moment. Samraj Adi Da is a doorway to reality. He brought back the sacred. On His sanctuaries it is felt. There is need for this in the world. I don’t believe in false gods anymore. To me, Samraj Adi Da is no longer an external authority. I made Him that at first, in order to fufill a childish need to find approval from a father figure. And while I have not been exclusively served by Him spiritually, His teaching affected me in a most fundamental way. I realize that I often choose to live as a self-involved, separate personality, but He showed me there was another way. Even though I am no longer a formal student, the argument of His teaching has stayed with me, and I have remained suspicious of my self-involved motives at every turn. It has made me more tolerant of other ways of life, and more open to change. I can’t say I didn’t go through a dark night of the soul after I left the community, but it was necessary, that I suffer my attachment to my ordinary perceptions till I was willing to change. He criticized me for being an idealistic romantic, and wanting to make my own religion rather than turn to Him. In fact, I seemed incapable to submit to that relationship in a mature fashion, and I came to wonder if the whole construct of the Guru-devotee relationship was even possible for me. I entered into it very naively (and also with a lot of baggage). But every time I saw Him, I was so immersed in love. Even when I view a picture of Him I come to rest in truth. He awakens me to love. I have experienced awakenings with viewing other murtis, viewing a tiger, and even just being present with anyone brings me into that experience again . . . but with Him it always goes deeper. I cannot believe in anything anymore. I can’t be anything anymore, but I can simply admit, that whoever Samraj is, I love Him, to the best of my understanding.

  
  
• They left because of interest in some other practice that seems to offer "lower-hanging fruits" (faster).
  
  
• They left because of unhappiness over matters which would be completely nominal for the "saints" (because the fruits of their practice make it so), but, which hold a greater significance for those who are still spiritual beginners. An example: whether one likes the community of practitioners or not. If one truly recognizes Adi Da as the Divine, and is aware of the uniqueness of His Transmission and its association with the Realization of Divine Enlightenment, whether one likes the community of practitioners could not possibly be a deciding factor for staying in spiritual relationship with Adi Da. In the worst case, one would move out of the community, but still stay in relationship with Him.
  
  The problem can reside not solely in the individual practitioner but in a particular region of devotees not yet being able to incarnate a culture and community that comes up to Adi Da's Vision. As one ex-devotee writes:
  
  

  Many ex-devotees step out of the organization either completely or partially NOT because of Adi Da but because of difficulties with the organization and/or community requirements that may conflict with other activities, morals, beliefs, etc. A common problem with all religious organizations. But, to repeat, many ex-devotees — and I speak as one — continue to support Adi Da from afar or continue to follow his teachings.

  
  
• They didn't leave (per se), and don't necessarily label themselves "ex-devotees". They simply ceased to participate in various ways, and at a certain point, the Adidam organization removed their names from its list of active practitioners. This is certainly the case for many "ex-devotees" of Adi Da. Many such people still consider themselves to be devotees, and still consider Adi Da to be their Spiritual Master — or in some cases, one of their Spiritual Masters. And many such "ex-devotees" still maintain many friendships with devotees who are still actively participating in Adidam.

Some ex-devotees still consider returning to more active participation, while others do in fact return.

Recognition and longterm commitment to the Way of Adidam. We would even expect a picture like this — some people leaving because they didn't Realize what the esoteric Way offers — to be commonly the case when the "threshhold" for truly practicing is particularly profound, as it is in Adidam.

Adi Da has indicated that the "threshhold" for practicing Adidam for real is recognition of Him as the Divine Person in a precise, spiritual, moment-to-moment sense that He has provided much detail about. It is interesting to note that, even though the number of people who have recognized Him in that full sense is still relatively small, they are not among those who left Adidam. Quite the contrary: their demonstration as Adi Da's renunciate devotees is profound, and their absolute commitment to the Way of Adidam and to serving Adi Da's work is absolute and obvious to all who know them. They will never leave Adidam, and recognition of Adi Da as the Divine is the reason.

In contrast, whatever movement in and out of Adidam is occurring is happening among more "beginning" devotees (including ones who have had all kinds of "spiritual experiences" in Adi Da's Company), who never reached this point of moment-to-moment recognition of Adi Da as the Divine. One might explain one's reason for leaving in a different way (e.g., "I didn't like the community"). But someone who truly recognizes the Divine before them (in the form of Adi Da) wouldn't let anything (community liabilities, etc.) rob them of that great Gift. Ultimately, then, not being able to recognize Adi Da as the Divine in every moment is the deeper, underlying reason for leaving in every case.

This is not to draw a great distinction between those who leave and those who stay but who have not yet developed this moment-to-moment recognition capability — there are many such devotees. The only practical difference is that those who leave are no longer immersed in (and receiving the benefit of) a culture oriented around recognition and contemplation of Adi Da, and around helping people develop these capabilities. There is no "spiritual" difference — recognition is what makes the difference, not whether one is "formally participating". (Practically, though, those who avail themselves of every opportunity to immerse themselves in Adi Da are more likely to develop the recognition capability than those who don't.)

We believe the importance of this distinction — between recognizing devotees and more nominal participants (whether still in Adidam as still-beginning devotees or now outside Adidam as "ex-devotees") — will grow in significance, over time, as the number of people who recognize Adi Da grows.

A similar point can be made about Catholic saints. Though they are very few in number, compared with the throngs of more nominal Catholics, it is the nominal Catholics who we could conceive of leaving Catholicism at some point — never the saints. (We are not aware of any stories of a Catholic saint leaving Catholicism.) We are making an analogous point here about the Way of Adidam, that is based on quality of practice, rather than quantity of examples available at the present time. Adi Da elaborates:

It has been suggested to Me that some people may be reluctant to take up the Way of Adidam because they do not already see the larger gathering of My devotees moving far ahead in practice. Do people refuse to join the Catholic church because its members are not showing the requisite signs for official sainthood? Do people refuse to join other religious communities because the members are not yet Realizers? Then why should such a measure be placed on this community? I am the necessary and complete Realizer here with My devotees. If some who practice in My Company become involved in the advanced and the ultimate stages of life, that is also great and remarkable, but, as is also the case in all other religious communities, most practitioners of the Way of Adidam are (at least at the beginning) ordinary. If (as is most often the case) their practice is of the more ordinary kind (and, thus, marked by a tendency for them to limit themselves, to one or another degree, via lesser life-choices and more ordinary aspirations), practitioners of the Way of Adidam will not, unless and until that limiting tendency is purified and gone beyond, become Realizers (in the [ultimate] sense), or even truly advanced practitioners, in this lifetime. However the case may be, what even all practitioners of the Way of Adidam must first accomplish is the basic, but also truly profound, conversion from egoic worldliness to a truly authentic God-Communing life. Therefore, the authenticity of the general gathering of My devotees does not depend on the movement of the entire membership into the advanced and the ultimate stages of life, but it depends only on the general establishment of a truly God-Communing Way of life in My Company. Avatar Adi Da Samraj

Receiving the Revelation of Adi Da as the Incarnation of the Divine Person transforms the being. A great number of devotees (and ex-devotees) have had extraordinary experiences of Adi Da's Spiritual Transmission; but having such experiences is a different matter, and can still leave one fundamentally unpenetrated by the Divine, free to continue following the conventional, lifelong ego-trajectory of endless "seeking" or "moving on to something different".[1]

Put another way, so long as Adidam itself is not shown to the individual to be a Way that reveals the Divine Person, it will simply seem like one of the many Ways that provide spiritual experience (perhaps extraordinary experiences, but still just experiences). It is not surprising, then, that many who are associated with Adidam for a time, but never discover Adi Da as the Divine Person (or merely settle for believing that He is the Divine Person), simply move on to other venues for receiving more (or different) "spiritual experience". The Revelation is the entire point, as this devotee makes clear, as he writes to someone interested in becoming a devotee, but who has doubts:

I too, doubted Adi Da was a REAL Master. I studied with the teaching daily for two years. I lived in the Community with much contact with the Spiritual Master for years. It was cool and enlivening and purifying, BUT no Big deal. Then, one day, even as I harbored my doubts, He overwhelmed all. I was subsumed into unending oceanic joy without end. Bliss is too weak a description. Thereafter, I could understand my self and come to see what He meant by His Self-references as the Divine Person, who is Reality Itself, Face to face.

Once that Divine Revelation — now the unique prerequisite for taking up the Way of Adidam (as well as its true basis and starting point) — develops to the point where it is a moment-to-moment capability, no one has any reason or need to "leave" Adi Da.

"Ex-devotees" who return. Because so often the reason someone became an "ex-devotee" is because they weren't quite ready to become a devotee at the time, it is not surprising that, for such people, a moment may come when they feel they are ready — particularly because Adi Da's Spiritual Transmission is Eternal, and is always working to draw all hearts to Himself, the Divine Person. We regularly get visitors to this site who write something like these:

As a very recent returnee, drawn back to the Heart by the Master, I felt there had to be such a site. Lo and behold, here it is! Thanks!

I'm returning to Bhagavan Adi Da after some years 'dealing with issues' and have just now found your site. WONDERFUL! I love it! It's rekindled things I forgot and gave me new insights.

I used to be in close contact with the Adidam Community and was a student from time to time. Even though I have not been involved for years, the night I found out [about Adi Da's Divine Mahasamadhi, the night after He passed], I had a physical sensation of my chest simply opening. Not a slushy love rush or grief or sorrow or remorse. But it felt as if my heart/lungs had turned into a vast SKY. A vast open feeling. I went in to tell my husband [about Adi Da's Passing] and he said "No way!" and his response was a flushing all over his body and an electric current up his spine. We are processing now. We watched video footage I have of some bootleg tape of the Master from '70s and '80s; a few hours' worth. I am so glad I still have that tape! People I've not heard from in years are contacting me. Something momentous has occurred. A dear friend, the fellow who turned me on to Adi Da, is back in touch with me after nine and a half years. We had lost track of each other but now are back on track with each other and it is so very sweet. He lives up at the Mountain Of Attention Sanctuary, about a mile away. I am hoping to attend Danavira Mela if I can this year, either in Marin or up at the Mountain Of Attention; whichever. My friend wrote to me after I used my powers of sleuthing to find him, "As HE would have it; it took a moment such as this?" I wrote back saying "Of COURSE it took a moment such as this!" He and I were thinking of each other immediately after we'd heard the news. I have many leelas of my original approach to the Guru via my friend's intense interest in "Understanding"; and they are all flooding back now.

Thus, for many, "ex-devotee" is just a temporary label — many "ex-devotees" become formal devotees again, when the moment is right.

I was a devotee of Love-Ananda for some time. I never intended to leave Him. But I got caught up in life. I just moved away from community to study, and from there I lurched from one crisis to the next. The more I attended to my crap, the more stuck I became in it . . . like quicksand. I always intended to return one day. Now He is gone (at least in human form) and I am wretched with grief. I have decided to return to the community and re-affirm my vow to Love-Ananda. About a week ago, I had a dream about Beloved Adi Da. He was giving Darshan and was walking through a crowd of people. He came to me and I was straining to turn to Him. He pushed me about a little, then I looked at His face and I saw a face within His face. The inner face was made up of triangles of light. And the inner face said: "Just notice Who you're looking at!" It's time to return.