Feeling Without Limitation
Elizabeth Midwikis graduated with a BA from Louisiana State University in interior design, and was a commercial interior designer for many years. She is now retired from that profession, and is a contemporary painter and printmaker. She lives in southern California and Kauai, Hawaii.
Elizabeth wrote this story in the midst of one of the greatest challenges ever to face the Adidam community: the Valley Fire of 2015, which
swept through Lake County, California in September, 2015, burning down the homes of many devotees. Elizabeth writes: "I am moved to tell this story because I have been feeling devotees' real and deep heartbreak during this horrific time; I wanted to share with them this story of how Beloved Adi Da can make a time of great sorrow and loss sweet and full of love in the midst of what seems to be an unbearable moment."
I am not currently a formal devotee, but I regard Beloved Adi Da as Love and God incarnate. I have had many graceful and amazing experiences during my years since finding Him in 1985 — studying His teaching, approaching Him formally and sitting in formal Darshan in His Bodily Company.
One morning in 1976, my husband came in to tell me my sister had died the night before. It was an apparent suicide. Junior was the closest person to me in my life. I came from a dysfunctional, alcoholic family. I had bonded with my older sister, and felt she was the only person who really "understood" and loved me.
I was 27 years old. Junior was gone at 29, leaving two sons, two and three years old. There was no memorial or funeral for her, as my parents did not want to go through it.
I could not let go of the sorrow and accept the finality of her death. I carried it in my thoughts daily. Without realizing it, I was “meditating” on it, recalling the loss to my mind again and again.
It took me eight years and a nervous breakdown to begin to process the grief, loss, and (what I believed at the time to be) unbearable sorrow. During those years, I suffered greatly, and brought that suffering to my children and husband.
Junior's eldest son Jerone grew up and, at 20, was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma (a kind of cancer). I knew he was dying, but was asked by his father to wait to visit him, as I was in San Diego and he was in Canada. His father's thinking was that my coming would convince Jerone he was dying, and everyone was hoping this was not the case. So I waited to get the promised call so I could come to say goodbye to him before he died.
While I waited, I read Adi Da's book, Easy Death, for many weeks, in preparation.
At last I got the call, and immediately was on a plane. I brought Easy Death with me.
I never really had gotten to say goodbye to my sister before her death, or even following her passing. So I was happy to have the opportunity to see my beautiful twenty-one year old nephew, so I could tell him I loved him and serve his passing as instructed by Beloved Adi Da's word in Easy Death.
While on the plane, about one hour away from touch down in Ottawa, I was reading from Adi Da's book. Suddenly, my nephew Jerone came to me — I could feel him and hear him. I was instantly aware that he had just passed, and was happily out of his sick body.
His father greeted me at the airport to tell me the bad news I already knew. I felt Beloved Adi Da's Spiritual Transmission.
When I got to their home, they had kept Jerone's body for me to view. I had never seen anyone dead. His body was unrecognizable to me in death, because of the toll his illness had taken. I continued to feel Beloved Adi Da.
Then cremation, and a funeral. I had not participated in a service for my sister. Looking back I can see that my attending the funeral service was for both my sister Junior and Jerone.
The church was overflowing with friends and family. As I sat there, I was feeling Beloved Adi Da throughout my body and radiating beyond my body, by His grace. My eyes ran tears for the entire service; but I was deep in the Heart, feeling everyone around me and their profound sorrow — and I suddenly noticed: there was no problem! Waves of deep love and sorrow flowed through me, seemingly radiating to everyone and beyond.
My nephew Tycho, Jerone's younger brother, had lost his mom at two years old and now his brother (who had become his second mother) was gone too. That evening, Tycho confessed to me, "I don't understand how I can feel such peace and happiness with you now, and Jerone is dead?” It was apparent to me that he could feel the state I was in and as a result was being blessed with the free feeling, deep love, and grace that the Guru transmits.
Through the grace of Beloved Adi Da, I passed through this time feeling everything. I was able to accept all that had happened, full of love for everyone!
I did not suffer like in my sister's death, where I had refused to feel completely. I was able to accept what was. I did not have to keep the story of loss going in my mind following Jerone's death.
Beloved Adi Da says:
If feeling becomes limitless, if you do not contract, then feeling becomes Being Itself — no reaction, no contraction, Feeling without limit. That Feeling goes beyond fear, sorrow, anger, and conventional happiness and loving attitudes.
Avatar Adi Da Samraj
Feeling Without Limitation
By His Grace I now know this to be true!
* * *
My prayer during this time of so much grief and loss is that all devotees of Beloved Adi Da find Him and fall into His Heart. May all going through this time of loss be relieved of their suffering!
Sending much love to all — visualizing all healed, all restored, all sorrow gone, felt beyond to infinity!
to Easy Death