Finding Adi Da > Frans Bakker

Alive and Dead at the Same Time

Frans Bakker

Frans Bakker, M.D. is a long-time devotee of Avatar Adi Da, who at one time served as Adi Da's personal physician. Frans has been a principal public representative of Adidam.

I am writing this as 2024 draws to a close. More than fifty years ago, I arrived at the Mountain Of Attention in California, leaving behind my home in the Netherlands to be near my Spiritual Master, Adi Da Samraj. His Presence and Teachings had drawn me across the world, and now, the moment had come: I was invited, along with my intimate partner, to join a small gathering with Him.

It was during what He called His "Submission Years", a time when He Gracefully submitted to the states of confusion and separateness that defined us. "Eyes covered by images of a separate self," He would say, "and minds held captive by visions of the world."[1] We could not yet grasp Who He Truly Was or What He Offered in the Company of Truth — Satsang.

The gathering took place in a room at His beautiful home named "The Manner of Flowers". Entering the room, my heart raced with nervousness. This was my first time being so close to the Master. Almost instinctively, I found myself sitting right beside Him — a choice born less of intention and more of my dazed self-consciousness.

The group sat in a circle on the floor around a round table, and the conversation was already underway. The subject was Love: not as a feeling to wait for but as an active principle, a giving rather than a seeking. I glanced around the room, trying to ground myself. Then, I turned to the one seated next to me — and met His gaze. The Master's Eyes.

In that instant, I felt myself drawn into an unfathomable Depth. His Eyes seemed endless, like an Ocean — profound, vast, and beyond comprehension. But it wasn't just their depth. There was no "person" there, no trace of individuality. These were the Eyes of the One Who had never been born and could never die.

As I gazed deeper, I felt myself being pulled into that Depth, into the Reality beyond all appearances. Then, fear gripped me — a fear of annihilation. It wasn't fear of the Master but of losing everything I identified as "me". In a panic, I averted my gaze, pulling back as though drowning. My head fell to the table in front of me.

The others in the room noticed my state. Someone guided me outside to the garden, where I found myself alone. Overwhelmed, I wept uncontrollably. I felt starkly separate, engulfed by fear and mis-understanding. I couldn't grasp what the Master was offering me. All I knew was a deep sense of aloneness.

That was the beginning of my life with Adi Da Samraj. For some time after, I was not invited to further gatherings — a reprieve I accepted with gratitude as I struggled to process what had happened. Months would pass before I could begin to "recover" from that initial confrontation with His Great Company.

Fast forward to the present: fifty years later. I find myself at the European Danda, attending the Vigil for my Beloved Master's Mahasamadhi. Unexpectedly, I am invited to sit before His Sacred Murti — a photographic representation of His Form after His Passing. Wrapped in orange cloth, with only His Face visible, the Murti radiates an inexplicable Presence.

As I gaze upon it, I feel a shock of recognition. It is the same Face I encountered fifty years ago in the Manner Of Flowers. Yet, paradoxically, it is now the Face of one who has "died".

And yet — it is not.

The Face is Alive. Fully Alive.

I realize, in that moment, the paradox the Master has always Communicated. He is alive and dead at the same time, and Always Already. The difference lies not in Him but in our own point of view. Adi Da Samraj's State, Nature, and Condition have always been Radiant Consciousness, utterly beyond the limits of form or circumstance.

This time, I do not recoil. My own eyes are no longer clouded by fear or mis-understanding. I see Him for Who He Is and have been Freely Invited, once again, into His Divine Company.

This is the Gift He has always Offered: to Be with Him, beyond all appearances, in the Radiance of Truth that He Is. He Is. I am invited Freely into Satsang exactly as the Master of the Heart always (already) does invite, in the beginning as well as in the end.

This story appears in the Finding Adi Da section

FOOTNOTES

[1]		From Avatar Adi Da Samraj, Ruchira Avatara Gita.